The Joyful Shaman
Talking About Practical Shamanism For Everyday Life! Sharing Stories Of Hope, Transformation, Meditation & Spiritual Connection With Laughter..And A Little Bit Of Cussin'. Hey Y'all! I'm The Joyful Shaman.
The Joyful Shaman
From Retreat To Reality: Navigating Life's Emotional Rollercoaster Part 2
Upcoming Retreat Information:
Sedona March 18-23, 2025: https://www.lgwholisticwellness.com/sedona-retreat-registration
What if you could transform your life amidst the chaos of setbacks and self-discovery? Join us on the Joyful Shaman Podcast as we explore a journey filled with healing, growth, and the pursuit of joy. In this episode, I open up about the emotional rollercoaster of planning shamanic retreats, facing the disappointments of cancellations, and embracing new opportunities in Sedona—a place that has captivated my dreams for years. We delve into the intricacies of organizing the Shamanic Spring Awakening Retreat, where sound baths, breathwork, and Jeep vortex tours await those looking for transformation. Together, we'll envision a retreat that invites connection and renewal against Sedona's breathtaking backdrop.
As the episode unfolds, I share a candid reflection on managing emotions and setting boundaries during my hormone replacement therapy journey. The challenges of mood swings and nighttime panic attacks are met with the steadfast support of my family, providing insights into complex sibling dynamics and the importance of meaningful connections. Through tarot readings and group breathwork sessions, I uncover the emotional demands of facilitating healing while pursuing alignment with my highest good. The path to personal growth and self-care reveals itself in unexpected ways, urging balance between professional ambitions and personal needs.
Finally, we explore the healing power of pets and the family dynamics that come with welcoming a new dog amidst health concerns and emotional complexities. The decision to adopt a Jack Russell Terrier brings to light the cherished memories of past pets and the emotional resonance they hold. This heartfelt narrative underscores the importance of collaboration, gratitude, and hope as tools to overcome isolation and depression. With an invitation to connect, I assure you that we are all on this journey together, and I look forward to sharing this space of vulnerability, resilience, and joy with each of you.
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Have Questions Or Episode Ideas?? Email Me!
Naomi@joyfulshaman.com
Thank You So Much For Supporting Me & Energetically…The Collective
Welcome back to the Joyful Shaman Podcast. I'm Naomi, your host with the most, and we are back again part two of my last episode, and so I'm just going to get right into it, as my thoughts are ready and full, which I encourage you to do before you listen to this part. I am going to be talking about some new ventures for me, some new aha moments, some ways that I've been working on healing these old mindsets, really letting go to the rigidity of my thinking, and just to remind you that, as a shaman, we are wounded healers. We don't hold all of the answers of the universe and we're never going to tell you what to do. All we can do is just share our experiences with you and just remind you that we ourselves are still undergoing, and will continue to go throughout our whole lifetime, our own healing journey, and so we will struggle, and this is one of those times that I am struggling, and I am putting it out there as a way for me to mentally and emotionally process, but also as a teaching moment as well. So, okay, back to what I want to share. So I have made the decision to really move forward and jump in 100% into the retreat arena. For some reason this whole year, since attending all of these retreats, I'm like I really want to share shamanic practices, ceremonies, teachings and just really work with groups of people to share medicine. If it's not happening within my community on a consistent basis, I still, in my heart, have a true passion and desire to teach it. So if that means I need to leave constantly to go and create these healing containers and spaces for people to come from all over the world and experience these practices with me, then so be it, damn it, I'm gonna create it. So that is my newest venture. That is how I am pivoting my business. I'm going to have a just smaller personal practice here in Lakeland because I feel that's just the way that the universe is aligning it for me and really pushing me to go out and be all in in these retreats and to seek and collaborate with other retreat leaders to create powerful and unique experiences all over the world. And so I made that decision.
Speaker 1:I reached out to a person that I know that I was supposed to do a retreat on Anna Maria Island here in Florida on the first weekend of December and that had to get canceled because the hurricanes destroyed the beach and the house. So naturally, of course it was really sad Couldn't do that and she really wanted to still do an event with me. And she asked me and she said would you be interested in going all in as a co-leader for a retreat, say in the springtime? And I said absolutely. And I said my one stipulation is I don't want to do it in Florida. The Gulf Coast has been brutally destroyed and is still being cleaned up and it's going to take a long time for the beaches and those areas to become open again and revived and for people to want to come to Florida. So I said any retreats that I do in 2025, all out of Florida, no ifs and or buts. And she said I agree.
Speaker 1:She said what do you think about Sedona? And I almost jumped up out of my seat in that moment and I was like Sedona has been a long time dream of mine. I have never been to Sedona, but I keep seeing these red rocks in my meditation and standing on these red rocks and being with groups of women there, and I was like absolutely a thousand fucking percent, we are creating a retreat for Sedona. And we did the whole month of November. I busted my ass. Despite my other inhibitions. I was like I'm throwing myself all in here. If I was going to exert any type of energy, it was making the phone calls, getting the information, creating the Instagram reels, getting the information, you know, creating the Instagram reels, doing whatever I needed to do to create this dream retreat and experience that was all inclusive of like everything, and I wanted to do it during the spring equinox. To be in Sedona to stand on those red rocks at the changing of the seasons was so powerful for me and that is the reality that I have created, and it's just an example to show you how you can shift and change your reality through the power and intention of your mind and your thoughts. You know I took action. I took intentional action, intuitive action to do this work, and so we have launched the Shamanic Spring Awakening Retreat for March 18th through the 23rd of 2025 in Sedona Six days, five nights, everything all inclusive.
Speaker 1:We rented this gorgeous home right outside of Sedona, 20 minutes outside of Sedona, in Cotwood. It is a seven bedroom home, no bunk beds, no trundle beds, has a private pool, hot tub, fire pit, private hiking trails, in between two big vortexes. There in Sedona we have this amazing, viral social media chef that is going to be coming, private chef that's going to be providing amazing plant-based foods, but we'll be able to cover all dietary preferences and restrictions and we're excited about that. Doing the sound bath, meditation, shamanic breath work, blue lotus ceremony, cacao ceremony, embodiment dance ceremony, drum circles I'm going to be teaching on my soul writing workshop, an intuitive development workshop. I am doing so much. I'm going to do a medicine wheel ceremony on a stupa that is a very well-known place on one of the rocks that has a medicine wheel there. So we're going to be doing a flower ceremony, kind of Mayfair ceremony, on the spring equinox. We're even renting, we're doing a Jeep private vortex tour where we'll be led on these private hikes right in the heart of these vortexes and driving off-roading with jeeps. I think that's so fun and we'll have plenty of time to go into Sedona to shop and eat and explore and do all the fun things too, plus transportation's included and it's just a magical dream come true trip.
Speaker 1:And the last thing about the retreat is my friend, ga-li Du, who is the photographer that I met that did all of our photography and videography empowerment shoot in Tulum, which I absolutely love my pictures that she did there. He's going to be coming and doing all of the videography, photography and, as a wonderful gift to all of the attendees, which will just be for women, this retreat is an empowerment shoot on the Red Rocks in Sedona, and I'm just so grateful for this because I'm like, wow, first retreat, go big or go home, right. So I was like I'm going to go all in, I'm going to do it. So we've launched it. It's active. You know, we're actively both of us promoting it. We have faith. I have faith that the Bright attendees we're looking for, I believe, 12 women to come and join us and it's going to be a powerful, transformational experience. And so I'm jumping into the world of retreats, so much so that I have just been actively connecting on social media with other collaborators, just letting it happen organically of like, hey, I'm looking to collaborate, I'm looking to co-lead and just connecting with people.
Speaker 1:I planned that retreat. I am going back to Santa Fe in April because I fucking love that city and I'm gonna create a retreat in Santa Fe. I created a creative expression retreat. So this is like Girls Get Away meets Bohemian Wild Woman, free Spirit, and it's called Echoes of Self. I'm partnered with a musician that's based out in Portland and we are going to be doing a sacral chakra healing retreat where we are learning a variety of different creative expressions. So we're going to be doing songwriting and singing, goddess, yoga, embodiment, dance, sound baths every day, yoga every day. We're even going to a local paint or art studio in Santa Fe to do a shamanic, guided spirit animal painting that you get to take home. You know, it's just going to be this beautiful five-day, four-night, all girls or all women retreat in the gorgeous Hotel Santa Fe. You know, and I'm just so excited to like, take people on a place of like this is one of my favorite new cities, okay, and there's really magical land and it's very healing land and I want to take the right people that can embrace it and just push themselves out of their comfort zones and just explore and get inspired and find that spark. Whether you're a business owner or just a divine being or just you know someone that I personally know like, come hang out with me. This is the ultimate girl's trip, so that's happening in April.
Speaker 1:Another manifestation, third retreat that I'm about to launch in the new year is Olympia, washington, the beginning of June. This is gonna be called Vibrations of you. This is a deep shamanic healing and Reiki retreat. This is open for all people, men and women and fluid people, however you identify and this is going to be in the heart of Olympia, in the beautiful retreat house on Eld Inlet, so right on the water. You can see Mount Rainier. It's going to be five days, four nights. Powerful yet gentle connection to nature. So a lot of nature hikes, doing harmony ceremony along the beaches there, just really connecting to yourself and understanding who you are. It's a journey of self-discovery and myself and my co-host will be doing a lot of one-on-one energy healing that will be included. Same thing powerful chef there gorgeous retreat house called Ebb and Flow. So it's just going to be this beautiful experience.
Speaker 1:And then I'm working on some other things for the summer and I'm going to keep finding people because I'm going to travel from March through October of next year. I have already determined that I have put that out into the universe and so I'm just trying to get my brain to stop fucking up and tell me and make me feel scared or make me feel like what the fuck am I doing? And doubting and just empower myself. So that's what I'm doing I'm stepping into retreats. I'm making that my main business next year and then continuing to balance my clients while I'm here in Lakeland, but looking forward to sharing true shamanic work, true shamanic experiences in these amazing spaces Next year. For right now I'm just going to be in the US 2026. I am going overseas and the US.
Speaker 1:You know, I am being really, really open and proud of myself and like really tapping into that Capricorn business side of me of like creating the logistics and calling and creating the marketing plans and the financial budgets and all of this and like I'm thriving. I'm like tapping into that former corporate self who could create a spa retreat and get 150 people into her spa in three days and boom, boom, boom. That's still ingrained in me. I was like, oh, I got back on that bike. I like that about me. But it's also exasperated my sleep stuff because it's been good but it's also been super stressful for my brain. So I am just taking a lot of rest right now. But some lessons that I am learning.
Speaker 1:That's coming up for me is I am still really combative against certain parts of transformation. That's really holding me back, I think, from having more success or maybe faster success within myself. And then I had to redefine what does success mean for me? I'm not trying to focus so much on the material possessions or things that I would like. I just want some fucking financial stability, and I think all of us right now, especially during the times in our country, are like I wanna be able to pay my bills. I wanna be able to have money in my bank account to eat. I wanna be able to put gas in my car. I'm grateful that my parents let me drive their car, because I don't have a car. I'm grateful that my parents let me live in their house, because I'd be fucking homeless. So there are things that I'm trying to find gratitude for, despite me feeling some kind of way. So I've been doing some deep healing of letting go of some shit. Well, during this time healing of letting go of some shit Well, during this time, I just really needed to try to make a path of healing with my mother, and so I spoke to my mom.
Speaker 1:You know we cleared the air about some things and, yes, I still have my boundaries and, because I'm on the HRT, some days are better than others. I know when I wake up and I'm in a crab ass mood and I'm like, oh, everybody's just fucking stay away from me. I just say it because I'm like not in the mood. Don't talk to me, like just leave me alone. You know, and I've been spending most of my days just in my room, outside of work, just working on things and just trying to sleep while I can, honestly, because my brain and my circadian rhythm are really, really off right now in a bad way. It's so much so that I'm starting to have some nighttime panic attacks, which isn't great. So I'm mindful of her and just respecting distance. But I'm talking to my mother, which has been really good. I talk to my dad.
Speaker 1:I'm not open to talk to my sister right now. I think there's a lot of anger, I think there's a lot of resentment, I think there's some communication issues there and I have to remember that my sister is quite emotionally immature and that is my perspective and is not willing to be open to spirituality or conversations about spirituality or deeper conversations emotionally, and so it's a very superficial escapism conversations and I'm not really about that. I'm a depth person. That's just who I am, and so I've just been keeping my distance because my sister really likes the holiday season and I'm very indifferent to it and you know I don't want to upset her and I also don't. I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions myself, so I don't want to be triggered by something she says or something that she does and it's not really her fault. It's just woundings that I'm healing right now and not be able to control my reaction. I want to be able to respond, but right now I'm learning to just have better control, so I am getting better.
Speaker 1:You know work had picked up a little bit. You know it could be better, but you know I'm trusting that this move into this house, this new business location, is going to be for my highest and greatest good. I've been doing tarot readings like every night, being like how can I shift things? And tarot is so crystal clear. They're like bitch. You need to get past your past. You need to let go of your rigid thinking. You need to let go of your fears of failure and you need to let go of the self-doubting. You need to build your self-confidence back up. Build up your self-esteem. Don't be so isolated. You know, seek connections, seek help. Talk to your counselor. So Tara has been crystal clear of like you can do it. It's going to be a challenging road.
Speaker 1:I think that the house is a learning lesson for Cassie, for her and her own ways that she's going to experience. And I think the house for me is like are you going to self-sabotage and go into negative coping mechanisms and go into this new year with fear and then everything, vibrationally, that energy that you're feeding into fear, is going to lead you to struggle and have to resort to overworking or doing things that you don't want to do, that are not in alignment, just to make ends meet. No, I don't want to do that. So tonight, on this winter solstice, you know, I am really actively asking spirit to help me, to really help my heart to let go, to help my mind rewire its fucking self, to really let shit go like a lot. And I think it's just harder for me because I always find myself in the last couple of years, in this cycle around the holidays of just struggling financially, of just wondering is this how it's always going to be? Is this the way my life is? Is it all my fault? I've been thinking that a lot. Is this all my fault? Did I cause a lot of this? I recognize that some of my spending habits and behaviors can be quite impulsive, especially when I'm feeling stressed out or upset and I wanna make myself feel better. I know I'm not the only one that does that. We all do things that bring us comfort in the moment and then we're right back where we were Dopamine hit and then we fall, and it's been hard for me to do my meditations.
Speaker 1:December, cassie and I did our group sound bath meditation and that was really beautiful. It was a really serene moment. Yesterday, I did my first group breathwork journey for winter solstice and 10 people came. I've only done breathwork one-on-one for my somatic Reiki that I've talked about on here for the last three years, and I felt the calling to do it and 10 people came and it was profound. By the way, I am going to drop the playlist for the Winter Solstice Breathwork Journey on here. It's been an extremely downloaded episode on YouTube and the podcast. So, wow, I will put up that playlist so you can continue your breathwork along the winter season.
Speaker 1:But it was really powerful to witness that and, even though I wasn't breathing, I was doing extraction, I was helping people rebirth, I was helping people remove and release. It was a lot of energy expenditure for me too, and so I had to do a lot of clearing. And so today I went this morning, early this morning, with a buddy and a client of mine to our new location, to this historic home that I talked about in the last episode, because I needed to help my friend move some old furniture out of there. And you know, put eyes on the place before Cassie and I start moving our table and setting up our equipment and stuff and I freaked out again. I like quietly freaked out, and another buddy came and met me there and he's a massage therapist and was like are you okay? And I'm like, low key, no, I am not okay. And he's like what's going on? And I'm like the conference room is a little smaller than what I thought it was. It's not as wide. I thought we would be able to put our table in there and have space for our sound bath meditation.
Speaker 1:The front entry area Originally there is a huge built-in 1980s laminate desk that's attached to the wall that the owner of the home, an older woman, didn't want to be removed. But I'm like this is limiting me. I can't do my meditations, I can't do my gatherings here. I want to continue to do breath work. I even wanted to do moon circles and do cacao ceremony and do blue lotus tea ceremonies there. I wanted to do more things with my community in this magical house.
Speaker 1:I keep telling people I am in my practical magic era with this house. It's what it looks like it literally does, and I was really disappointed and I'm like panicking. Cassie right now is in Savannah for the weekend with her husband and her kids for a surprise little getaway that her husband did right before the holidays and that's awesome. And I'm like, oh my God, I need to talk to my business partner because my brain is malfunctioning right now and if I don't get it out, I'm going to dwell on this all day long. Not as severely as if I wasn't on my progesterone and my calming supplements, but it was just like I want to talk to her. I'm not sure if we're making the right decision. So I talked to my buddy about it. It was really nice to hear me out and he's like, dude, if it's not a fuck, yeah, like you are all in on it. He's like you got to talk to her and he's like the sooner the better, because you brought your money to your landlord and I was like I know, and so I, you know, made some calls today.
Speaker 1:I actually spoke to the son of the owner of the house and I was just like, hey, man, I really need to move this desk out of there. I have somebody that can safely remove it from the wall. I have a storage unit that I can store it in for the remainder of the lease or however long I'm there in the house, and I will bring it back when the time comes and we'll put it back in the house when we leave. And he's like that's fine. And I was like what? And he's like my mother, who owns the home, had a nasty fall and is in the hospital. She shattered her pelvis and I was like, oh my God, that's awful. And she's like she has to go to a rehab center. So I am going to be your point of contact for the house. Here is my number Call me if you need anything, anything that you need, I'm there to help you. And I was like, okay, this makes me feel better now that we're going to move the desk out, because now that opens up space in the front entry area, now we do have to share the house with a few other people, so there is an office on the front side of the house that belongs to a mutual friend of Cassie and I, dr Angela Boatwright, who is a doctor of oriental medicine and an acupuncture physician. So she's been in there since July.
Speaker 1:We got her in the house when her office had to suddenly close after nine years that she was working in, and so it was our intention to move in the summer, but it didn't quite work out timing for us. And then my friend who had her law practice there, was working with two other attorneys that she contracted to help her out with her cases. Well, they retained their offices upstairs. So they have offices elsewhere, but they have offices up there. So the agreement was to allow us to move into their conference room. The part where that ugly desk is that's going had to be converted into a conference area because they still meet with clients in person from time to time and want to be able to do that downstairs. Not a problem, it's away from our room. It, you know, totally cool with us and we were just grateful. So I'm feeling better that the desk is now going to be moved.
Speaker 1:But the house is old. It's almost 120 years old and, man, it smells like an old house, not like a great library smell with the books. No, it smells musty and I'm not going to lie, and I know the paint is old. The carpet, thank goodness, is like that commercial carpet. That's low, but it probably hasn't been professionally deep cleaned in a long time and it's a lot of dust and the drapes are old and dusty and I had to take that shit down. And so I'm like, oh fuck, this is a lot of work that we're going to have to do to move in in the next week and a half, christmas and New Year's.
Speaker 1:I was like great, because we have clients at the beginning of the month At least I do and so I'm like all right, you know, cassie, when she comes back she gonna have to put in some elbow grease with me and we're gonna have to scrub these walls with vinegar and water. And I need to have my buddy remove the desk and we got to move it into our storage unit. So I got to clean that out tomorrow to create space. I had to call Stanley Steamer to come in and deep clean the front entry area in our room. I can't, you know, I'm not cleaning the rest of the house. That's their responsibility. And we've got to deep clean our walls because it smells in not a great way and I don't want to welcome our clients into this magical home that they're like oh my gosh, we're excited for you. And it smells like death a little bit in there.
Speaker 1:So I have my work cut out and so I did talk to Cassie. She said she was cool with me talking to her as her husband was driving to Savannah today, and I didn't try to be negative, nancy, but I was like, hey, man, you know, we're going to have to go to a locksmith. The lady put a special lock on the door. That's high security and only this one person in town makes the keys and they're like 50 to 100 bucks a key. And I was like, damn, this sucks, you know. And I was like, all right, it is what it is, and we only have one. And so she's going to like at first like we're not going to be able to move the desk and there's not really a lot of space for sound baths, so we may have to ask our chiropractic doctor if we can still do gatherings there. And she was like, and I was like dude, you just have to see the space when you come back on Monday we need to go together so that before we make any other moves in this house, we agree and I'm going to write a subcontract lease, you know, with my friend so that if anything happens she's protected and I'm protected because I technically signed the lease to sublease and then Cassie subleasing from me, so it's sublease, sublease, subleasing. It goes down the line.
Speaker 1:So I'm feeling better about the house. It's just a lot of physical work over a short amount of time and every single time that I've moved my business, I've always had to do it alone and I don't want to do that again and I refuse to do it. So even if it takes us the entire month of January to move, I will not be doing it alone. Cassie will be helping me. We are going in 50-50. We are splitting the cost 50-50. We are gonna do what it takes to get in there and make it be a special space. So I'm feeling more grounded about that and I do feel like being in the house is going to be challenging. I am going to have to make greater effort.
Speaker 1:2024 was my year of rest. Why? Because it was a year nine of numerology for me, of, like my foundation, my life, tired, fucking crumbling and it's still crumbling, so I know that's continuing into 2025. So I do want to make more effort because all I've done is worked my ass off for 17 years. I've been working nonstop since I was 17 and I'm 37 and a half now, so over 20 years and so I was like you know what? I'm going to take a fucking break. I don't have to work so hard. I'm not paying rent, blah, blah, blah. Like money was still good, but I was so miserable doing fucking massage Like I just wanted it to end and my body hurt all of this and I just wanted to focus on myself. So now I'm like I understand I need to make equal efforts on my retreat stuff and within my local community while I'm still here. You know more than just financial. It's just part of my path. I need to be giving equally from my heart to people and doing it from the bottom of my heart. And if I'm not happy doing something, I need to pause and reflect and introspect, and if I just don't like it, I just need to stop. So I've been working a lot through these triggers and it's been a journey.
Speaker 1:Mercury retrograde sucked ass. It felt like another eclipse season for me. Mercury retrograde, mars retrograde, like it was so hard to get communications out, emails out, especially talking and planning all these retreats on another time zone. I was working with Mountain Time and Pacific Time and then just like doing a whole bunch of other work and just, I think my biggest thing overall this month is I have felt like I really overwork and overcommit to things and spread myself out too thin and I'm still afraid to let people know like, even though I can do it and you can't, I don't really want to do it, you know, and if I have the money, I'd rather hire somebody to help me do it than try to do it all myself to save a buck. But if I don't have the money to do it, then I just need to really manage my time and do a lot of self-care and work in spurts and then sleep and then work in spurts and sleep. So it's been a journey. It's been a journey and I, like everyone else, am ready for fucking 2024 to end. But I wanted to end in a place of empowerment and strength and hope and surrendering, and I feel like I will get there.
Speaker 1:Christmas isn't a big thing for me, you know. I just always try to be in gratitude. I'm not a person that gives gifts. I don't really like to receive gifts. You know I like seeing the trees and trying not to eat all the damn cookies all the time. You know I'm trying to maintain my diet that I've been doing pretty good on and just keep my body moving and just remembering to find joy, and I'm trying my best not to escape. I don't doom scroll, but I tend to spend a lot of time on social media looking at spiritual content and seeing my clients happy and seeing their posts about Christmas lights and their family traditions and stuff, because my family doesn't have any and I think that's another reason why I've been feeling really sad is I just feel really isolated right now, like I have Cassie and I have my community and you know I connect with people on social media. But to live in a home where nobody talks to anybody, there's no special traditions, it's loud, it's argumentative, it just exacerbates the feelings of depression and so I'm trying to keep my head above water and just really launching myself out of that depression pool as much as possible.
Speaker 1:Well, today my mother and my sister went and got a new family dog and our only family dog that we have ever had, my only dog I've ever had growing up. That died almost eight years ago. She was the love of my life. She was a beautiful Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. She was a sassy girl. She did whatever she wanted. She was stubborn, she pretty much had my energy and my personality and in fact I was the only one that she liked to sleep with at night and it was the only bed that she never peed and pooped in. She respected me and I also didn't tease her and I gave her healthy treats and I massaged her and petted her all the time and talked to her gently and I think she just really liked my energy. That dog is just always in my heart. I talk to her all the time, you know, out loud. I tell her that I miss her and I've been really missing her a lot because I have on my laptop as my screensaver a picture of me at 20 years old holding her as a puppy, you know, with our like at Christmas, in front of our tree, and I was so sick, I had a huge cold and my face was puffy, but it was like my Christmas photo that I put into greeting cards and sent out to people was her and I and I see that picture all the time and I'm just like I miss you, baby girl, so much.
Speaker 1:Well, my mother's been wanting a dog and, yeah, my sister's been wanting a dog and we all been wanting a dog for many years. But with my dad's dementia progressing and my dad has this habit long before he had cognitive impairment of leaving the doors open to our house all the time without fear of burglary or crime or anything, or crime or anything, it's become an issue when we had our other dog where she would get out to the garage or run around the house and then we're trying to chase her because she liked to chase cars and we were scared that she was going to get hit, and so we just were like, well, we're just never going to be able to have a dog while dad's still here on the earth because we can't trust my dad with doors. But my mom, for many years, has just been really really diving into this deep cycle of depression and just giving up on life and not really caring for her mental health, not really caring for her physical health at all, and just really becoming angry and bitter and sad. And it's sad for me to see my mother be like that, because she doesn't have to be like that, but it's a choice and she just has been dreaming and desiring to have a dog because it gives her something to do and she really wants to take care of it and that's like her whole existence. And so she got my dad to agree repeatedly this year by saying you promised me that we can get a dog, you promised me that we can get a dog. She told me that she even drafted up something that she made my father sign so that if they got a dog he couldn't renege on it and that she would bring it up and show him when he no longer remembered that. She would show him the paper. And I was like, damn, that's some crazy shit. But I have no place to say anything because this is their house, this is their life. I'm moving on and I'm not a part of that.
Speaker 1:Now, if we are going to have a family dog, I would prefer to have the same breed as before, because she was just like a cuddle bug and so soft and squishy and I loved her. But you know it's not my choice. So my mother and my sister went to a rescue and adopted, I believe, what looks like a Jack Russell Terrier dog. Jack Russell Terrier dog my grandfather, when he passed away over 12 years ago he had a little rat terrier that we took and that became like my sister's soul dog, our family dog my sister chose as well at 18. But when we inherited my grandfather's dog that my sister really bonded to that dog and so I think my sister has really been missing those terrier type of dogs. And so they found this Jack Russell I don't know where I'm not part of any of that and I don't want to be and they went and got the dog and today, in the midst of like my frustration and freaking out and then taking like a seven hour nap to calm down, I could hear you know little tapping of feet on the tile floors and thinking, my God, what kind of dog did they get?
Speaker 1:What does this dog look like? Is my dad going to be okay? Am I going to be okay? I'm going to be okay. And after those naps, when you wake up and you're like, what is reality? Am I on even earth? I step out of my room. The lights are on in the living room. My mother has to have these special lights installed in the house that look like floodlights. I'm not even playing because she's visually impaired, so it's like super bright and I've been sleeping in darkness with an eye mask and I open up, my sister is sitting on her recliner chair and there's this dog with a cone around its neck, like looking at me like I don't know you, I haven't seen you, and I'm locking eyes and I probably don't have the best face because I'm just like what is in front of me and so I'm just not in the energy of welcoming a dog and I don't want to be around an animal that's just been brought to a new location and just kind of figuring out what is this place. So I've just been kind of staying in my room but I hope to be more open to the dog. But I think I just have a preference of wanting my own dog at a later time in my life when I'm more settled and maybe not traveling and have maybe a partner, you know, when I'm much older. So that is going to be a different energy in the house.
Speaker 1:I hear a lot of baby talk right now, a lot of squealing, a lot of loudness and sound. I'm very sensitive to sound. Squealing, a lot of loudness and sound. I'm very sensitive to sound. So I'm just really trying to be patient right now and trying to find the joy that my mother and my sister are happy. I hope my father is okay and I'm just trying to navigate our home situation because it's been weird. It's been a weird dynamic for several weeks and I've definitely intentionally withdrawn and I'm probably just gonna keep my distance for a while because I'm still navigating my own emotional depths and I know where I lie with my sister and that's not changing and so I'm not gonna try to put a square peg in a round hole and so I'm in that place. But I am feeling more confident, feeling better. I think once we settle into our new home for our business, like literally, and start the new year and some attendees start to register for the retreats that we have launched and will launch, you know, I feel like I can feel more grounded.
Speaker 1:I am feeling okay, grounded, but it's still hard, and so what I've been doing is just doing a lot of sound healing, just playing my instruments, whether it's with clients during their treatments or in my room just sound healing. The vibration is really helping my body. Everyone gets a free sound healing upgrade with all their services right now because I need it for my own healing. I really am trying to stay in a state of meditation when I do my Reiki work, when I do my somatic work, and just trying to find gratitude and staying in the energy of gratitude. Doing this podcast tonight right now this part two has really helped me to hear my thoughts out loud as I'm recording this, and then what I do is I go back and replay this and edit it, and it's been really helpful for me.
Speaker 1:And so I want to just say to all of you that hear this, whatever you're going through right now. I know it may seem overwhelming and it might be, and it is. I am not diminishing that because what I feel is overwhelming too, and so don't compare yourself to other people. Don't compare yourself that like, oh well, maybe I don't have it so bad. We always do the well. There are starving people in the world. There are dying people in the world. There are people that are being kicked out of their homes. There are people this and that I understand that the world is awful. It is. It is totally awful. Humanity can be awful, but there is good in the world and, whatever your situation is, just be in it, even if you're just weeks and weeks of pain and sadness and grief. Just be in it. But also the moments where you feel joy and happiness and a little bit of peace and understanding. Totally be in that and don't feel shame and guilt for being okay, for feeling a little bit more balanced, because that's what every day is. It's balancing the moments where we feel can be overwhelmingly hard and then moments where we are in happiness and bliss and joyful. Trying to have that balance on a daily basis is what we're striving for. Is it always gonna be attainable? No, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for feeling the way that we do.
Speaker 1:I have definitely grown in that arena this year of not beating myself up when I feel like fuck you all, fuck life, fuck all of this. I'm sick and tired of this shit. I need help. Where are you spirit? I say that stuff. I say that stuff and even in the midst of tears and snot running down my face and trying not to drive while emotionally upset, I have my conversations and it helps me and it's cathartic and it helps to release it physically from my body. So don't hold back. Do what you need to do.
Speaker 1:If right now you're like I can't do the family thing, I can't do the Christmas thing, I can't do the social thing. It's okay, believe me, it's okay. You are not alone. Do what you need to do because at the end of the day, you are still walking your journey. Life will still go on. I hope you go on with it, you know, and everything will move as it should. Just try to find it deep in your heart to remain open. That's when I keep telling myself keep your heart open, keep your spirit open, pause, breathe.
Speaker 1:Sometimes during the day I'm just like tearing up and, like you know, sniffing and sniffling and just like breathing, because these thoughts come over me and it's overwhelming and you know I hold it in and I'm trying to process, and you know when you can't talk to your family and you don't want to vent with clients. And you know, if it were me, I'd be talking to my counselor every day and she'd be like, oh my God, I feel like that sometimes. Sometimes just having these conversations out loud with yourself, writing, maybe recording your voice, and listening to it, can be really healing as well. Of course. Meditation, sound healing, reiki, massage whatever you can do to comfort yourself, comfort your body, to be able to emotionally express yourself. Do that.
Speaker 1:Food right now is a big thing for people. You know we are a culture that celebrates with food and it's a slippery slope to go on a food-eating binge of sweets and salty and greasy and fatty and just overindulging and then fucking hating ourselves and feeling miserable. So I encourage you that even if you go off the deep end and eat half a cake, that's okay. Just be mindful of if you're feeling worse afterwards emotionally it's because of the sugar and your body may not like the way it feels. So buy the things that nourish you, find a balance of good food and maybe I'm not saying that's bad food, but maybe food that doesn't always feel so great, or maybe an every once in a while food. But find a balance and move your body. Go see Christmas lights If you live in a place that's cold, touch snow and go to the Christmas things and listen to the Christmas music and bake the cookies and bake the cake and play the games.
Speaker 1:Do the things right now, even if it's just for a moment, to bring you joy, because it will help. It will help ease your mind so that you're not just looping in the thoughts and then the last thing is when I upload the Winter Solstice Breathwork playlist, do breathwork, follow the journey. It's an hour long of music, it's powerful, and just breathe. You can listen to my other breathwork journey playlist. There's instructions there on how to do the breathwork. I'll do a little bit of instruction with this video as well, audibly. But breathe, breathe through it, clear your mind, clear your body, shake it out, cry it out, scream it out, punch it out, whatever you got to do, but let it go. I'm doing that. It's going to take me every day, probably scrubbing the walls with vinegar and water and moving my stuff. The physical act of moving is going to help me to clear that out.
Speaker 1:So I will upload one more episode and it's going to be a fun one. It's going to be an audio recording that I did with my buddy, rob, who asked me to go and clear his house. So it's going to be about clearing spaces. So I'll do a little bit of commentary before I play the whole recording. But we did some spirit connection and stuff. So that'll be on the episode that I'll upload after this and, of course, the winter solstice playlist, and then I'm just going to take a break and then at some point in January, when I'm much more settled, I'll come back and do another episode, and I can't guarantee it'll be weekly. It might be biweekly, it might be monthly and then, once I start traveling for retreats, it'll be when I can do it. But I promise you I'm still here. You can listen to all my meditations. Any playlists that I create I'll upload here for you so you can listen and meditate to that.
Speaker 1:And, as always, you are an amazing soul. You're an amazing human. You create the reality you desire. You are healing your mind, you are doing the work and you are not walking alone. You have support. You have support. You have me. You have my contact in the podcast. You can reach out to me if you want to talk, if you need some guidance, if you need some help. I'm always here to answer any emails or any calls that I may get. If you like what you heard today and you like this podcast, please share it with a friend that could use this support right now, during this season, during this time in their life or at any time. And until we meet again, sat nam and be well.
